


Timestamps

by GamerMattJeevas (BrassOctopi)



Series: Autobiographical Poems of an Anxious Bibliophile [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationship mention, Gen, Poetry, suicidal thoughts mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 08:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19719871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrassOctopi/pseuds/GamerMattJeevas
Summary: A little over two years ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. A little under two years ago, I entered the best relationship of my life.





	Timestamps

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Miggrator](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miggrator/gifts).



5.9.2017, 9 PM.

Golden sunflowers marked the beginning

of the end. Fingers moving in practiced rhythm

until you saw the text asking for advice, followed

by the one annoyed that you had not answered right away.

"I'm sorry," you say, genuine regret and shame on your tongue

there is guilt, and fear, and self-doubt

but they forgive you, and you feel absolved.

This is what it means to say Dependency.

5.10.2017, 12 PM.

You wake up late. You always do

but this time it's to a garbled message demanding your time

swearing you off when you don't respond. There's no response

message not received. They have left, they are trying to leave

the earth. No response, message not received

Friends gather in melancholy silence, hands on shoulders

heart in throat.

This is what it means to say Fear.

5.10.2017, 11 PM.

A single text, the tone the loudest it has ever been.

An apology, again garbled, barely readable

through relieved tears. A circle rejoicing

that one has not been lost. "Talk with any of us," you beg

fear and regret and self-hatred and exhaustion

weighing down every bone. But no, only you.

Your terror means nothing, your attention insisted, and you give

because you want nothing but their happiness

you swear it to this day.

This is what it means to say Relief.

5.11.2017, 2 PM.

Fingers shake, holding your phone as you go with your roommate

to drop them off at work. A knife through the ribs

angry accusations of never loving them, of lying to them

because you suggested perhaps you couldn't help them the way they needed you to.

Being told it wasn't enough, trying wasn't enough, you weren't enough

This is what it means to say Heartbreak.

5.18.2017, 7 PM.

Emerge from your room, hair limp, eyes dazed. Go to eat

with your best friend - seven years running - and her boyfriend

You feel a smile for the first time in days, a joke over waffles

when the phone rings. They're declaring love across a burnt bridge

apologies flooding your phone one after another, and you wonder

if you should give in. You love them.

This is what it means to say Self-hatred.

8.19.2017, 11 PM.

She's been kind to you, this girl met almost a year before.

She’s talked you through misery, helped you bear the load

when life seemed too heavy to carry. Took the noose from around your neck

and led you to sit and cry, holding with no expectations.

When you whispered on a quiet night in August that you were falling in love with her

expecting her to quietly turn you down, but at least you’d know

you’re shocked to hear her whisper back "I've loved you for so long.” You wondered

how you could have missed the signs.

This is what it means to say Healing.

[Update. 7.7.2019, 7:15 PM.]

"What is your name on Ao3?" you ask

innocence flowing from your words like water  


knowing that in five minutes time, she will know why you asked.

"You giving me a shout out?" she teases, unawares.

"Of course," you say. "It's the least the love of my life deserves."

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't help the update. Her response when I asked what her Ao3 username is was too perfect.


End file.
